dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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