As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
