Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
