After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
