my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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