Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
