we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
