Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I still have a little drunk in my system
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
