He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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