Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
