if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
