I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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