Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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