why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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