Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
