If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize