I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
