Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
