hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
