Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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