I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
