she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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