im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
