$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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