During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
