I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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