i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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