When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize