Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
