Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
