please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
