The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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