Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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