Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
