I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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