so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize