i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The beers last night were like the tears from god
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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