I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
