were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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