Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
