i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
