There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
