6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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