I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize