It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize