i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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