Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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