if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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