toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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