I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
