well I can't set my house on fire every night
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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