All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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