You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
