She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
