While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
