Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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