Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I love you.
Bad choice
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