She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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