The maid of honor just puked.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
